Birthdays are a big deal in my family, even though my mom tried to downplay hers. She always made such a special day for us we always wanted to return the favor. One year for my 8th birthday I think, she filled up tons of balloons. I had no idea, but when I got home from school my ceiling was covered in pink and purple balloons. I just wish I had more time with her to return all the favors that she did for me.
It's hard especially because she and I were getting to the stage where we weren't just mother and daughter we were becoming really good friends. My sister Bek sent me a sweet text, that I'm sure she sent to all my sisters. She said she knew that the day would be hard, but that mom would want us to keep our heads up and not boo hoo all over the place. Boo hooing was a term my mom used to explain self pity. I couldn't stop thinking about her all day. I know that she wouldn't want us to be sad, but it's so hard to lose your mother at any age. It is even harder when you didn't get the chance to spend as much time with her for all the important things.
Being the oldest of my sisters I always think about the things she is missing with them. Sam was only 15 when my mom passed away. My mom missed her driving test, her first prom. She will miss her wedding. Her high school graduation. She missed Bek's high school graduation. She will miss all of our college graduations. She will miss all of her grand children being born. Sometimes I feel guilty because she was at my wedding, but she won't be at any of my sisters. I try very hard to keep her memory alive for myself and my sisters. I'm trying to keep the Holiday fairies in tack as much as possible. I know that she will "be there" but it's not the same as physically. I won't ever have pictures of my children with their Ya Ya (that's what she wanted to be called) She said Nana and Mimi were to delicate for someone as feisty as her.
She was an incredible woman. She raised 3 teenage girls that weren't her own, while having four more girls. She stayed at home with us until Sam was in Kindergarten, before going back to work. She always sacrificed so we could have what we needed and most of what we wanted. She worked like mad racing around every where to keep up with chores and after school activities. She made sure we were involved and active in our church youth programs. She would rub our backs till we fell asleep even when I was 15 years old and was sick. She always had that special mommy touch and stern look. She always yelled when she was happy, excited or mad. She always had a zeal for life and her children. She always knew when you needed a hug or to be left alone. She loved serving others and had a huge heart for other people. She was an amazing and loving wife to my dad. She always stood up for herself and her family. She loved us unconditionally even when we were terrors. She was steadfast in her faith even though she was a convert and the only member in her family. She blessed me with wonderful sisters that all remind me of her in different ways.
Since she passed away I've been trying to read this book called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman . I can't read very much at a time because I get all weepy and sad, but it is an amazing book. Grief and loss is some what of a taboo subject in our culture. You're expected to deal with the loss and get over it. It is a cyclical thing. You go through the cycle and then are better for awhile, but something will always set off the cycle again. A birth, an important event, a smell, a song, or sometimes even just a thought. One of the first lines in the book was, "When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends." That is so true. The author talks about a friend she had in high school asked how much her mother's death could really affect the rest of her life. She wrote that if she could go back and tell that friend she would tell her,"I would tell her: Everything. It effects everything. When a mother dies, a daughter grieves. And then her live moves on. She does, thankfully, feel happiness again. But the missing her, the wanting her, the wishing she were still here- I will not lie to you, although you probably already know. That part never ends."
I know that sounds like a depressing thing always missing your mother, but it is true. I miss her every day. I am fortunate to have to knowledge to know that I can and will be with her again someday. While I know that I will see her again one day it does take away the missing her and wanting her. I know she will be waiting for me on the other side, but that doesn't fix the right now. I know she's still my mom and she's still there, but she can't be on the other end of the phone listening to me tell her about an argument I had with my husband or sister. I won't ever be able to call her and tell her I'm pregnant. She won't be able to be at the birth of my children. She will miss alot of important things that have yet to happen in my life and the lives of my sisters. I will always miss her. I w ill always love her. Even though she's not physically here she will always be my Momma.
My Mom and Dad in Hawaii
At one of my older sisters weddings.
