So... It seems I'm about as good at blogging as I am writing in my journal. However, there have been some experiences lately that have really inspired me to actually start blogging again, and hopefully this time keep up fairly frequently.
To begin, a little background information is needed. The past few months have been full of changes and new adventures. First my sister got married. That was a huge shift in our family dynamics. Nothing that major had happened since my mom passed away. I am happy to have added to my brothers-in-law, and I'm extremely happy and grateful for how happy he makes my sister.
My other sister got accepted into a study abroad program in Spain for the whole Spring semester. It was huge for her, since she is getting a secondary BA in Spanish. We were all excited for her, but I was secretly sad she was leaving because with her living in Norman she's one of my best friends. So selfishly I was thinking about being lonely and missing her.
Then John got accepted to medical school, which is a huge accomplishment for him. I am ecstatic for him. He has finally gotten to where he has wanted to be the past few years. His acceptance requires us to move back to Tulsa this coming summer, which is exciting.
Finally my baby sister put in her mission papers, and she left for the MTC (Missionary Training Center) at the end of January. She had planned and prepared for her mission the past few months, and I am so proud of her deciding to serve the Lord for 18 months.
So all these amazing things have happened within the past three-four months. It has been a lot to process, and it has all happened very quickly. The last major change in all of our lives was our mom passing away.
I was trying to process everything, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Everyone else was moving on, and in my mind away from me. They were out chasing dreams, accomplishing goals they had set for themselves.
Then a couple of weeks ago I was playing with my nieces, who are currently all about Frozen. They wanted to sing "Let it Go." We were playing princess, and one of them was quietly humming and singing broken fragments of the song. It amazes me how easy life concepts are to little children. My 5 year old nieces taught me something in those precious minutes of them singing "Let it Go" first softly, then belting it when I found the song on the internet for them to sing along with.
Here I was feeling sorry for myself because for the first time since my mom's passing, which was very traumatic for me, and I didn't have anyone to help with college applications, to answer questions about banking or which classes to take, or how hard their homework was, wedding plans, or what to pack for Spain. I didn't have anyone who "needed me." Not that I could ever replace my mother, but after her passing I took on those daily responsibilities. Only now my sisters are all adults, John is moving on to professional school, and it hit me really hard.
Then listening to my nieces in their sweet innocent voices singing this silly Disney song, I had my ah ha moment. I had been so busy taking care of everyone else I hadn't thought about what I wanted to chase, what dreams I had. So the past few weeks I've been sifting through all of these emotions trying to find what my new goals are.
So I sat down and listened to "Let it Go" again on my own. I really listened to the words. I thought about how pure those little girls are, and how empowering the lyrics of that song are for little girls. Which led me back to thinking about being a little girl. One of the things that had stuck with me was one of my teachers writing on my report card that I was one of the "spunkiest" girls they had the pleasure of teaching.
As I let that sink in, I thought when did I lose that spunkiness? I realized it was when I had neglected myself, to push everyone else to their dreams.Which, I would do all over in a heartbeat. It then made me think of my mom and her spunkiness. How she pushed us, and how she never let us give up on ourselves. Thinking about how she never wanted us to neglect our own interests, I realized she would want me to have my own goals. So as I listened to the words and balled like a baby, even though I'm fast approaching 26, I decided I needed to accept my sisters are adults. John is going to now have something that is very separate from me, but I need to embrace those as positives to enrich my relationships with them.
So my new mission is to seek out my spunkiness. I will embrace what is to come, and I will "Let it Go and I'll rise like the break of Dawn." Those sweet girls will probably never know the impact they had on me that day, but it's something I'll always remember as the day I consciously decided to seek out new dreams for myself.
So to all of you needing to find your spunkiness "Let it go. Let it go... I'm never going back. The past is in the past. Let it go. Let it go... Rise like the breaking dawn."
