Road Trip

The first weekend in April I flew to Idaho to help my sister Rebekah drive back from college. Lucky duck, she got done with spring semester a whole month earlier than OU. The drive is about 22 hours, with minimal stops. It took us around 26 hours because we had to stop a couple of times to catch some zzzz's. My one request of Rebekah was that she be packed when I got there, so we could leave early Saturday morning. This of course didn't happen.

To begin my long road trip, I flew to Salt Lake City. My plane got in around 9 pm, and I had to wait for the 10:30 shuttle to Rexburg ID. It's about a 4 hour shuttle ride to Rexburg which put me getting there around 3 am. I called Bek when we were a couple miles out so she could be there to meet me at the drop off. Three things had happened; 1) I had drank a liter of water and really needed to use the restroom 2) I had left beautiful balmy 75 degrees in Oklahoma to go to 34 degrees in Idaho 3) Bek wasn't there when I arrived at the drop off. Fortunately it was 3 in the morning so there wasn't anyone to observe my shivering potty dance while I waited for Bek to get there. Once she arrived we hustled back to her apartment to which I discovered had not been packed and was in complete chaos. Her roommate and her were the only girls left in their apartment, but it looked like a F5 tornado had blown through. So we, we being Bek and I, decided that I would go to bed so one of us would be coherent the next day to drive. I woke up around 7 am because my friend Melissa was graduating, and we had breakfast together since I was unable to attend her graduation. Bek of course was delirious from being up all night packing.

After all the packing was done we then had to pack her car. It was definitely a challenge, but having moved three times with John and twice just me I totally had it down to a science how to squeeze everything in. By the time I was finished packing there wasn't a nook or cranny that was free. After all the packing and rearranging to get everything to fit I just had her snowboard left to fit somewhere. Well Bek has a roof rack so I decided we would just lash it down to the top. She had a few bungee cords, and her friend the eagle scout Danny "lashed 'em down tight." He did suggest that we squeeze the snowboard on the very top of the rest of the stuff, but I thought no way it won't fit lets just tie it down to the top. This resulted in being a bad idea later. Finally we were packed, the apartment cleaned, and keys turned in. We finally got onto the road around 12 pm. Bek's great idea was that she should drive first because "She had been up all night and she was still going from adrenaline and she was fine and she could drive and its her car and she was fine." I took one look at her half glazed over eyes and said uh no way you are not driving. She said but it's my car!! I said "Yea but I still have the key and I'll call dad if I have too." Yes, I'm 23 and married and I threatened to call my daddy to make my little sister behave haha. She finally conceded and agreed I should drive first.

The weather was gray and rainy and super windy. The snowboard that was attached to the roof would wriggle around like a puppy on a leash. The wind would get on the underside of the snowboard bag and the bag would twitch up and down reverberating on the roof. This resulted in the most annoying thumping sound. It was pretty funny though because the bag would only make the noise when Bek and I would talk to each other. At one point Bek looked up through the sunroof shook her finger at the snowboard and said, "Hey you up there. Yea I'm talking to you! You need to settle down. It's rude to interrupt other people's conversations. You just need to wait you turn and shush it." We were both tired and a little sleep deprived her more so than me and we burst out laughing for like 15 minutes. It was just one of those you had to be there for it to be funny kind of thing. After about two hours in, the snowboard started thumping again. Bek looked up in time to see it slide sideways and then go flying off the roof at about 70 mph. Instead of saying Sarah slow down or something like that all she could saw was, "No no no AHH AHH AHH." then she screamed really loud as it flew off. I pulled over and ran about half a mile back against the wind to retrieve the snowboard because I'm the best big sister ever. It's a good thing I've been exercising and working on my cardio because Idaho's elevation is was higher than Oklahoma's haha. Once we recovered the snowboard, Bek did a full all over inspection as she sweet talked to her snowboard saying, "Oh baby you're ok it's ok I'm sorry you're ok." So after the snowboard had been inspected and deemed all in one piece without any scratches we shoved and pushed it into the back until the glass on the rear door would close.

The first four hours of the drive Bek was awake and super hyper like a small kid with way to much candy. After finally getting some food in her and turning on a little Enya she passed out. She slept most of the way through Utah and some into Wyoming. When she woke up she insisted on driving again. I told her I'd let her drive once we got to Denver. Denver is about the halfway point. It's about 11-12 hours to home from Denver. She feel asleep on and off and when she would wake up she'd ask where we were. I knew that if I let her drive she wouldn't make it very far, and we'd have to pull over and rest. I made it almost to Kansas before she realized I had been fibbing about where we were. Once we got to Kansas it was about 1am in the morning. I finally agreed to let Bek drive because I was tired. As she drove and I dozed I kept waking up because it felt like we were all over the road. I asked her several times if she was ok and if I needed to drive. She said she was ok but around 4:50 am she shook me awake and said I think I need to stop I'm falling asleep. So she had made it about 3 hours before we had to pull over. We pulled over at a big busy truck stop and slept for a about 2 hours. She was still tired so I switched her places and got back into the captain's seat to navigate the rest of our drive. We made it into Oklahoma before I needed to stop again. We rested again for about and hour and then finally headed on the home stretch. We finally made it home around 1pm Sunday afternoon. It was a crazy long drive and we were both exhausted after the trip. I laid down and took a 3 hour nap then got on the road to Norman which is about a 1.5 hour drive from my dad's house. It was a good trip and nice quality time with my sister, but I was exhausted for the rest of the following week from basically being awake for 48 hours. The following video clips and pictures are just snippets that documented our travels.

A Little Willow Smith to get the Road Trip Started. Plus Bek is super hyper at this point.

Car Packed and Ready to Go

Seriously Stuffed

Bek Relieved "Her Baby was ok"



Finally Passed Out

In Oklahoma!!!

Military, Birthdays, and New Habits....

So John has been gone for three weeks now, and I only have a week left until I get to see him for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! It has been a roller coaster of emotion, but fortunately I have a wonderful family who have been very supportive and checked up on me. I have been focusing a lot on school. If I'm not doing homework, I have been watching army wives. Throughout John's training this past few weeks I have gotten to talk to him everyday which has been a blessing.

I have picked up some new habits since John has gone to help with the loneliness. I now consume unhealthy amounts of lemonade and root beer because those are John's favorites. I also have started sleeping on his side of the bed. I surround myself with pillows so it doesn't feel so empty. It took me two nights to finally get up the courage to sleep in our bed by myself. I also have been listening to a lot of books on CD in the car. I have also been spending a lot of time with family. It has been lonely, but I'm adjusting ok. I just hate that John has missed so much in just a month. The good thing is that we are a month down so only 11 or so more to go!!

We celebrated Jordyn's third birthday the first weekend in March at Incredible pizza. It was Toy Story themed. Ever since the third movie came out Jordyn has been all about Toy Story. She wore jeans her cowboy boots and her Jessie tshirt to her birthday party. She also called me to inform me the should could not be like Toy Story if she did not have braids. She asked very politely in her sweet three year old voice if "puwease can you come over to bwaid my hair" I of course could not refuse such a request and hurried over to french braid her hair before her party. She had a blast eating pizza and cake, and then playing games. We even rode a go kart. She was very excited even though we had to ride in the slow race because she was barely tall enough to ride. She informed me "Mommy doesn't like go Karts. You go with me!!" I asked Amy if she wanted to take Jo and she said no she's right I do not like go Karts. So we went to stand in line for our turn. We came in third place, but I think we could have won if the woman in front of us didn't keep cutting us off. She didn't even have a kid with her. All in all it was a good time had by all.

Jordyn's Toy Story Cake

Checking out the Elmo pick up game

Going "super fast" in the go kart

Super excited to ride the go karts

Eating pizza excited for her party

Snowmageddon

Oklahoma exprienced a massive snow storm last week. The Tulsa area got 14 inches of snow over 12 hours or so. Norman received 9-10 inches in the same amount of time. School was cancelled state wide even universities. OU was closed Tuesday through Friday. And my sister Samantha is still out of school. Her school has been closed from Tuesday last week to today. The best part is it supposed to start snowing again tonight with snow anywhere from 6-10 inches again. Norman cleared out and melted over the weekend, but the streets in the Tulsa, Sapulpa area were still awful. If anyone knows anything about Oklahoma you know that we have some of the worst constructed roads and highways in the United States. Why I don't know, but 14 inches of snow and 1-2 inches of ice don't help the already bad roads. Needless to say many people got stuck in all the drifts and abandoned their cars on the side of highways and side streets.

John and I made it home over the weekend just fine in my car which is all- wheel drive. Then my superbly talented husband managed to get my dad's four-wheel drive truck stuck right after having driven without any complications. He was not a happy camper, but the look on his face was priceless, the what the heck this can't have just really happened look. Classic. Of course he couldn't just get it a little stuck he high centered it. All the shovels were conviently in the basement. The problem, the basement door was frozen shut. So this allowed for a little creativity on my part. I gave john a long broom handle that he used to dig his way out a little. Then he said he needed some more weight in the back of the bed to help weigh the truck down, in order to become unstuck. The master plan, Samantha myself and three dogs got in the back of the truck with sand bags and a chain to weigh down the bed of the truck. After much spinning of tires and smell of burning rubber and 10 minutes we were able to become free of all snow. We did however cause lots of ice from John melting the snow with his tires, which once free on his tires froze into ice.

Despite all the bad roads and cold temperatures, we did enjoy getting to spend so much time together. John's sister and niece built a cute snowman in his parents front yard. Jordyn enjoyed herself in all the snow. Amy, her momma, tried to help Jordyn to make a snow angel, but the snow had melted and frozen a little again. Jordyn is a very petite little girl and didn't weigh enough to actaully sink down in the snow, so Amy had to push her down in the snow. It still didn't work very well but it was funny trying to watch them make snow angels. Well with the next snow storm on the way we have stocked up and are ready to hunker down again if need be.

Jordyn and her snowman

Jordyn, Amy, Laurie, Trisha, and Jen with the snowman they made

Snow on our balcony

Snow on my dad's deck

John and I bundled up to walk to walmart

Blankets and Dogs.....

So now that baby Hannah and Jordyn have gotten their quilts I can finally post pictures of my hard work!!

Jordyn's Butterfly

Hannah's Teddy Bear

I finished them down to the last second Christmas Eve. These particular pictures are before I frayed all the edges. I loved the way they turned out!! I need to get a picture of the girls all snuggled up in their blankets

In other news we moved our puppies down to Norman for a trial period. They had been living at my dad's, as predominately outside dogs. Lucky us we have had the wonderful joy of potty training. Sofie is already pretty much potty trained , but Lucy only being 6 months old is still working on it. Fortunatley we haven't had to many accidents, and the few we've have had have been small and NO number 2's!! 

They have been adjusting well. I on the other hand have not been doing so well. My allergies have been killer, so we are debating about whether or not they will be able to stay with me while John is gone. Even if they aren't able to stay we have been enjoying them here at our apartment. 

Sofie wasn't too sure of the stairs when we fisrt brought her, but now she's quite a dainty little lady going down the stairs. After walks Lucy will run up the stairs, and peek around the corner until we come up. Sofie on the other hand waits until we come up behind her. She will turn around and come back down the stairs if we aren't following close enough behind. This video is one of the times this has happened.



So far everything is quiet the way we like it. I'm hoping that I will be able to adjust to them being inside. All is well in the Lowe Home!!

Christmas, New Year's etc.

Our holiday season began as soon as finals were over. John got to take his finals a week early because he had a military training thing during finals. I was home alone during finals week, but in some ways it was good because I didn't have to many distractions. After my last final my best friend BK and I went to our other best friend, Cassie, graduation. It really made me want to be done with school, but I still have a year or so left. We were supposed to go to another friend's graduation party that weekend, but lucky us we both got sick. John was much more sick than I was. Fortunately we both recovered, but John has been slower to recover than I have.

Me, Cass, and BK after Cass' graduation

Once feeling better we helped my sisters decorate the REAL Christmas tree at my dad's house. We got John to actually take a few pictures by guilting him into them. We finished our Christmas shopping with a few days to spare. I let John help me wrap this year, which was difficult for me. I am admittedly an obsessive wrapper. The ends on the paper must match and be folded down both directions. John folds down one side and pulls the other to the underside of the box. I also will tape the paper to the box with exactly three pieces of tape. I enjoy using ribbon and bows. John of course loves watching me concentrate and spend ten minutes wrapping a present that his niece can open in five seconds. He gives me a hard time, but he did try to follow my directions a little better because he didn't want me to re wrap the presents he wrapped. I know it's weird and a little obsessive compulsive, but if that's my one vice I think I'll be okay.

All the Sisters

Classic Hannah and Samantha Faces

John Finally giving us a good smile

This year Christmas was fairly hectic. We woke up at 6 am to go to John's parent's house to open presents, ate breakfast, and then hustled back to my dad's to open presents. We  then hustled back to John's parents for dinner, and of course bustled our way back to my dad's house after to eat dinner again. Fortunately our parents only live like ten minutes apart, so that is a huge blessing and makes Christmas with both families possible.

John and I were attempting to make all of our Christmas gifts this year, but after I made two quilts for his nieces I said yea forget that haha. I would've loved to have made all the presents, but we just didn't have enough time this year. So instead of home made, fill the cockles of your heart with warmth and love presents, we went for useful presents. 

We got lots of gifts from family and Santa. Jen, John's sister, got Just Dance one and two from Santa and that was a big hit at the Lowe home. I managed to capture a hilarious video of John and his Dad dancing to Louie Louie, but I can't share this hilarity because John would kill me. I also captured Jo and Jen dancing. Jo only being three didn't really get the concept of the wii remote, so it was strapped very securely to her wrist. She would let go of it and spin in circles. She almost took out the cat at one point. She may not have been a high scorer, but girl can shake what her momma gave her.

We had a good Christmas with our family and lots of food. New Year's wasn't to exciting for us. We had some small family emergencies right before so most of John's family was out of town. My family had a small emergency also so we didn't have any big plans. Since most of John's family was out of town, John and his dad watched the New Year's Rockin Eve, while his 14 year old sister and I played makeup. We had our toast with sprite and kiss and then ended the evening.

We have a month off for Christmas vacation from school, and it's almost over. We have spent most of our break with family. Fortunately we both have great families that make us laugh and know how to have a good clean time. I've been spending most of my time with my sisters and John's super cute nieces, oh and John of course. Unfortunately school starts next week, but I'm looking forward to my classes. Hopefully the next semester can be as fun as this Christmas break has been.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Decorating!!

This year Thanksgiving consisted of my three younger sisters, my dad, my grandpa, and my uncle and his girlfriend. Hannah and Samantha made all of the pies. I made our cranberry surprise and homemade yeast rolls, recipe via my wonderful friend Nat. Then my dad made the mashed potatoes. While us girls finished up the green bean casserole and sweet potatoes. My grandpa brought stuffing and the turkey, and my uncle brought more sweet potatoes and stuffing. We wound up having way to much food. We made five pies anticipating my older sisters and their kids to come over some time during the break. Unfortunately every one's schedules were to busy for us to get together.

I have the most wonderful in-laws that worked around my cooking/eating schedule at my dad's house. The night before Thanksgiving John's younger sister and I helped his mom make the pumpkin pies, which were made with real pumpkin. My mother-in-law is a domestic goddess and cooked down pumpkin mush as I called it (just the inside of a pumpkin). This in turn was our pumpkin flavor. IT WAS AMAZING!!! That was my first experience with a real pumpkin pie, no canned filling.

John and I had to eat twice in one day, and go back and forth to help cook. It was a challenge, but I think we handled it really well. John's family was so gracious and accommodating to my other schedule that everything worked out perfectly. Nothing to exciting happened except eating and cooking. My sisters and John played alot of Halo Reach and watched him play the new Fable game for the xbox360.

John was such a good sport and helped out alot. Even though we kept pushing him out of the kitchen, he was very attentive and always asking if he could do anything to help. He kept an eye on the rolls for me so they wouldn't burn, while I worked on other things. All in all it was a wonderful quiet Thanksgiving.

Great Pic of John answering a phone call while watching the rolls. He has two oven mitts on and was trying to block out all the noise with one and hold his phone in the other.

After two yummy meals.

I am a firm believer in not decorating until December 1st at least. I really hate that stores start putting out Christmas stuff after Halloween. It bugs me because they are like hey forget about Thanksgiving and just start buying stuff for presents. Thanksgiving is an important holiday. It's one to remember why your grateful and how blessed you are. I don't want to be distracted from that by discounted sales and great deals and become another blind consumer. I don't mind people who put up their Christmas trees after Thanksgiving, but at least wait until you have eaten. I don't put ours up until it's December, that way I can remember what November should be about. Plus November is my mother's birthday and my sister Rebekah's birthday. My mother always said that Santa appreciated patience from good little girls and that he wanted us to remember what Thanksgiving was about.

So today was DECEMBER 1ST!!! So I excitedly asked John all day when we could put up our Christmas tree. I'm so excited for Christmas this year because John and I are making many of our presents. Not all of them will be home made but we are trying to give everyone at least one home made item. I can't divulge to much because it's driving my sister-in-law Kara crazy to not know what I'm making her 6 mo old daughter for Christmas. I love Christmas because growing up it was all about family and the miracle of the birth of Christ. My mother has a beautiful porcelain nativity set that we put out every year, and it's honestly one of my most favorite decorations. I've been hinting to John for awhile that I really like the Willow Tree nativity scene, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Sadly we didn't get a real tree this year. Growing up we NEVER had fake trees and neither did John, but we had this little tree that I got last year when we lived with at my dad's in his basement. Our room wasn't big enough for a real tree so I surprised John one day last December with a little pre-lit fake tree to make it more cozy. Our first Christmas together we did have a real tree, but not so this year. Yes I did have to hold back tears when John said well lets just use the small fake tree since we won't even really be in Norman after finals. I grudgingly agreed and up went our cozy little tree.

I love decorating Christmas trees. My mom loved cluttered trees with all of our home made ornaments and special ornaments she had collected over the years. We used to always make Christmas chains out of red and green construction paper to decorate around the ceiling and arches in the living room. I did keep with tradition this year and got everyone Christmas PJ's when they were on sale at old navy. John and Hannah have polar bears. Sam has reindeer. Bek has Christmas trees. I have snowflakes and my dad said ah I won't wear them I always just wear scrubs to bed.

I told John that when we grow up and have our dream house (whenever that may come to pass) that I needed a formal living room and then a family room. He asked why, and I replied so we can have TWO Christmas trees. So we could have a fancy formal one in the front and the chunky covered to death in home made decorations one in the family room where we would actually open presents. I love the smell and freshness that a real Christmas tree brings to a home. One year my dad actually bought a live tree that we planted after Christmas. It's cool because now its his backyard and every year we look at that tree we remember that long ago Christmas.

John's family has a really cool tradition that we incorporated into our Christmas traditions. Every year everyone in the family gets a new Christmas ornament before they get the tree. This year our ornament is a piece we picked up when we visited Rome. It's just really cool because you can see the difference in personalities on John's parents trees. Once the kid moves out they get to take their ornaments with them. So our little tree is covered in clunky and beautiful ornaments carried along through out John's childhood.

When I decorate a Christmas tree I try to break up the colors so you have to actually look at everything, and you  don't just look at a focal point. And yes I even decorate the back of the tree that no one can see. I got that habit from helping and watching my mother decorate our tree when I was growing up. She used to say don't you think the back will be sad if he or she doesn't get to dress up all fancy like the front. This was always followed by laughs and giggles by myself and my sisters because my mom was insistent on not hurting the back side of the tree's feelings.

Our stockings! Our real ones are at my dad's so we bought cheap ones and put a Little Gingerbread Woman and Gingerbread Man on the stockings

Our little decorated Christmas tree

The tree in comparison to John

We always use an angel as a Christmas topper.

The story behind why I always put an Angel on the Top is very sweet. I don't know whether or not it is a true story, but it is one my mother always told us growing up. I have not been able to find any documentation to verify this story, but even if it didn't really happen it's a good story.

My mother was born in Germany on and Army base. She did not live in the US until she was four and she spoke very little English. Her nanny was German and so she learned German and English at the same time, but heard German more often because of her nanny. So this story may have come from said nanny.

The story: In a small German village there was a sculptor that had a young daughter that he loved very much. She was a beautiful little girl with bright blue eyes and long dark blond ringlets. She would play and draw while her father sculpted pieces that people paid him to make. His daughter was always a happy child, and loved to play outdoors when the weather was fair. During World War II the sculptor's shop was bombed and everything was destroyed. His precious little girl died in the accident. The sculptor was so sad that he couldn't sculpt for a very long time. You see his daughter had been his inspiration. One night he had a dream of his daughter laughing a playing in Heaven. She turned and looked at him, and said Daddy don't cry I am happy in heaven. God gave me wings and made me one of his angels. I want you to be happy. I miss you but we will see each other again. After the man awoke from this dream all he could picture was his daughter's cherubic face looking down on him. He started sculpting her face over and over until it was as close to a perfect replica his hands could make. Once he made the face, he sculpted a body with wings. He then added his daughter's face to the Angel, and set it in the window so she could always watch over him. A woman walking by saw this beautiful Angel in the window and rushed into the story asking the man how much he would sell it for. He said he could not sell the angel because it was inspired by is deceased daughter. He told the woman I could never put a price on that face, but I can make another if you truly wish to have one. The woman said she couldn't let him create something so beautiful with out compensating him. He refused any payment and said it was his Christmas gift to the woman. She finally agreed since he said it would be a gift. When she picked up the finished piece the sculptor had hollowed out the inside and left a sheer material for the clothes so the woman could put a candle near the Angel and it would shimmer and shine. The woman showed her beautiful new Angel to all her friends who all decided they must have a copy of this breathtaking Angel. The sculptor would not accept any money for his sculptures, but gave them all away as gifts. When people asked why he wouldn't take any money he would look in the window at his first Angel and say my little Angel wouldn't accept money for her beauty so why should I. That year when he placed his Christmas tree in his shop he put his little Angel on the top so she could see all the decorations and look down on him. When the women and men who bought his little Angels saw his tree they followed suit.

And to this day that is why I use an Angel  as a tree topper. I know the star is traditional, as the guiding light to the shepherds, but the Angel that guided the shepherds and told them of Christ's coming is equally important. I like to think of my Angel now as my mother's gift to me. She will always be there to watch us and look out for us. It may not be a real story, but it's real to me because that is why my mom put an Angel on our tree every year. I have continued the tradition as well as my sisters. Hopefully we can pass it on to our children. I love the holidays and I'm so excited for all of our home made gifts this year!!

Mom's Birthday

Yesterday November 8th was my mother's birthday. She would have been 54 years old this year. It was a difficult day to get through. It is even harder because the holidays are coming up. She was an amazing woman. I miss her every day. She never liked to make her birthday a big deal, but us girls always tried to surprise her with something. I remember one year we made her breakfast in bed. I was about 10 or 12 so my sister Hannah and I did most of the cooking while Bek and Sam made the tray pretty with a flower and tried to fold the napkin in fancy shapes.

Birthdays are a big deal in my family, even though my mom tried to downplay hers. She always made such a special day for us we always wanted to return the favor. One year for my 8th birthday I think, she filled up tons of balloons. I had no idea, but when I got home from school my ceiling was covered in pink and purple balloons. I just wish I had more time with her to return all the favors that she did for me.

It's hard especially because she and I were getting to the stage where we weren't just mother and daughter we were becoming really good friends. My sister Bek sent me a sweet text, that I'm sure she sent to all my sisters. She said she knew that the day would be hard, but that mom would want us to keep our heads up and not boo hoo all over the place. Boo hooing was a term my mom used to explain self pity. I couldn't stop thinking about her all day. I know that she wouldn't want us to be sad, but it's so hard to lose your mother at any age. It is even harder when you didn't get the chance to spend as much time with her for all the important things.

Being the oldest of my sisters I always think about the things she is missing with them. Sam was only 15 when my mom passed away. My mom missed her driving test, her first prom. She will miss her wedding. Her high school graduation. She missed Bek's high school graduation. She will miss all of our college graduations. She will miss all of her grand children being born. Sometimes I feel guilty because she was at my wedding, but she won't be at any of my sisters. I try very hard to keep her memory alive for myself and my sisters. I'm trying to keep the Holiday fairies in tack as much as possible. I know that she will "be there" but it's not the same as physically. I won't ever have pictures of my children with their Ya Ya (that's what she wanted to be called) She said Nana and Mimi were to delicate for someone as feisty as her.

She was an incredible woman. She raised 3 teenage girls that weren't her own, while having four more girls. She stayed at home with us until Sam was in Kindergarten, before going back to work. She always sacrificed so we could have what we needed and most of what we wanted. She worked like mad racing around every where to keep up with chores and after school activities. She made sure we were involved and active in our church youth programs. She would rub our backs till we fell asleep even when I was 15 years old and was sick. She always had that special mommy touch and stern look. She always yelled when she was happy, excited or mad. She always had a zeal for life and her children. She always knew when you needed a hug or to be left alone. She loved serving others and had a huge heart for other people. She was an amazing and loving wife to my dad. She always stood up for herself and her family. She loved us unconditionally even when we were terrors. She was steadfast in her faith even though she was a convert and the only member in her family. She blessed me with wonderful sisters that all remind me of her in different ways.

Since she passed away I've been trying to read this book called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman . I can't read very much at a time because I get all weepy and sad, but it is an amazing book. Grief and loss is some what of a taboo subject in our culture. You're expected to deal with the loss and get over it. It is a cyclical thing. You go through the cycle and then are better for awhile, but something will always set off the cycle again. A birth, an important event, a smell, a song, or sometimes even just a thought. One of the first lines in the book was, "When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends." That is so true. The author talks about a friend she had in high school asked how much her mother's death could really affect the rest of her life. She wrote that if she could go back and tell that friend she would tell her,"I would tell her: Everything. It effects everything. When a mother dies, a daughter grieves. And then her live moves on. She does, thankfully, feel happiness again. But the missing her, the wanting her, the wishing she were still here- I will not lie to you, although you probably already know. That part never ends."

I know that sounds like a depressing thing always missing your mother, but it is true. I miss her every day. I am fortunate to have to knowledge to know that I can and will be with her again someday. While I know that I will see her again one day it does take away the missing her and wanting her. I know she will be waiting for me on the other side, but that doesn't fix the right now. I know she's still my mom and she's still there, but she can't be on the other end of the phone listening to me tell her about an argument I had with my husband or sister. I won't ever be able to call her and tell her I'm pregnant. She won't be able to be at the birth of my children. She will miss alot of important things that have yet to happen in my life and the lives of my sisters. I will always miss her. I w ill always love her. Even though she's not physically here she will always be my Momma.

My Mom and Dad in Hawaii

At one of my older sisters weddings.